May 8, 2013

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Book Release Yay


So here it is, I'll finally be releasing the second part of the Ultimate Gate series, book 0 and book 1 can be found here. It has taken me forever to do this and I am somewhat ashamed of myself. Yuck.

I will also be releasing a novella and the full scope of The Nexus. It's fun to see these books finally coming to where they should have been a while ago.
I'll also be resubmitting an edited version of Mindforger, and it's actually quite interesting to go over it again after a full year of not looking at it in the slightest, but I find myself constantly thinking, "I would have done that differently, and maybe that as well, ooh and that's a bit strange," etc.

All of these will be released this month, so I can focus on my fantasy-mush which will be getting a brutal re-write, but more on that later.




  "One day we shall speak again. When the stars are right."

Apr 27, 2013

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For You, Maja


:*

Apr 15, 2013

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The Infinite Spiral


Life is just a changing silhouette. This I have learned. A glitch and then you die. A shift in the cosmos as the eternal and hidden eye draws its gaze to look upon itself.
It wishes to learn something -- to absorb some hidden truth forever out of reach to the senses it possesses. This truth it seeks is infinitely older than the eye, yet infinitesimally so.
It is a gulf between yet not between that it attempts to see, but this canyon is a place altogether undefinable and unnameable  To merely contemplate it would bring madness to men granted but a meagre fragment of it. It is because of this that most should remain glad that we cannot grasp that which is out there, beyond the void. For what is truly out there would paralyse the strongest and with it's mere sight kill the weakest or drive them into the depths of such a madness the world had never seen.
And what are we then? We who cannot behold such a truth? Are we the lucky ones? Or the infinitely sad and pathetic ones trapped in a sphere where everything good eventually dies, even the stars.

Apr 13, 2013

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The Silver Key by H.P. Lovecraft


When Randolph Carter was thirty he lost the key of the gate of dreams. Prior to that time he had made up for the prosiness of life by nightly excursions to strange and ancient cities beyond space, and lovely, unbelievable garden lands across ethereal seas; but as middle age hardened upon him he felt those liberties slipping away little by little, until at last he was cut off altogether. No more could his galleys sail up the river Oukranos past the gilded spires of Thran, or his elephant caravans tramp through perfumed jungles in Kled, where forgotten palaces with veined ivory columns sleep lovely and unbroken under the moon. He had read much of things as they are, and talked with too many people. Well-meaning philosophers had taught him to look into the logical relations of things, and analyse the processes which shaped his thoughts and fancies. Wonder had gone away, and he had forgotten that all life is only a set of pictures in the brain, among which there is no difference betwixt those born of real things and those born of inward dreamings, and no cause to value the one above the other. Custom had dinned into his ears a superstitious reverence for that which tangibly and physically exists, and had made him secretly ashamed to dwell in visions. Wise men told him his simple fancies were inane and childish, and even more absurd because their actors persist in fancying them full of meaning and purpose as the blind cosmos grinds aimlessly on from nothing to something and from something back to nothing again, neither heeding nor knowing the wishes or existence of the minds that flicker for a second now and then in the darkness. They had chained him down to things that are, and had then explained the workings of those things till mystery had gone out of the world. When he complained, and longed to escape into twilight realms where magic moulded all the little vivid fragments and prized associations of his mind into vistas of breathless expectancy and unquenchable delight, they turned him instead toward the new-found prodigies of science, bidding him find wonder in the atom's vortex and mystery in the sky's dimensions. And when he had failed to find these boons in things whose laws are known and measurable, they told him he lacked imagination, and was immature because he preferred dream-illusions to the illusions of our physical creation. So Carter had tried to do as others did, and pretended that the common events and emotions of earthy minds were more important than the fantasies of rare and delicate souls. He did not dissent when they told him that the animal pain of a stuck pig or dyspeptic ploughman in real life is a greater thing than the peerless beauty of Narath with its hundred carven gates and domes of chalcedony, which he dimly remembered from his dreams; and under their guidance he cultivated a painstaking sense of pity and tragedy. Once in a while, though, he could not help seeing how shallow, fickle, and meaningless all human aspirations are, and how emptily our real impulses contrast with those pompous ideals we profess to hold. Then he would have recourse to the polite laughter they had taught him to use against the extravagance and artificiality of dreams; for he saw that the daily life of our world is every inch as extravagant and artificial, and far less worthy of respect because of its poverty in beauty and its silly reluctance to admit its own lack of reason and purpose. In this way he became a kind of humorist, for he did not see that even humour is empty in a mindless universe devoid of any true standard of consistency or inconsistency. In the first days of his bondage he had turned to the gentle churchly faith endeared to him by the naive trust of his fathers, for thence stretched mystic avenues which seemed to promise escape from life. Only on closer view did he mark the starved fancy and beauty, the stale and prosy triteness, and the owlish gravity and grotesque claims of solid truth which reigned boresomely and overwhelmingly among most of its professors; or feel to the full the awkwardness with which it sought to keep alive as literal fact the outgrown fears and guesses of a primal race confronting the unknown. It wearied Carter to see how solemnly people tried to make earthly reality out of old myths which every step of their boasted science confuted, and this misplaced seriousness killed the attachment he might have kept for the ancient creeds had they been content to offer the sonorous rites and emotional outlets in their true guise of ethereal fantasy. But when he came to study those who had thrown off the old myths, he found them even more ugly than those who had not. They did not know that beauty lies in harmony, and that loveliness of life has no standard amidst an aimless cosmos save only its harmony with the dreams and the feelings which have gone before and blindly moulded our little spheres out of the rest of chaos. They did not see that good and evil and beauty and ugliness are only ornamental fruits of perspective, whose sole value lies in their linkage to what chance made our fathers think and feel, and whose finer details are different for every race and culture. Instead, they either denied these things altogether or transferred them to the crude, vague instincts which they shared with the beasts and peasants; so that their lives were dragged malodorously out in pain, ugliness, and disproportion, yet filled with a ludicrous pride at having escaped from something no more unsound than that which still held them. They had traded the false gods of fear and blind piety for those of license and anarchy. Carter did not taste deeply of these modern freedoms; for their cheapness and squalor sickened a spirit loving beauty alone while his reason rebelled at the flimsy logic with which their champions tried to gild brute impulse with a sacredness stripped from the idols they had discarded. He saw that most of them, in common with their cast-off priestcraft, could not escape from the delusion that life has a meaning apart from that which men dream into it; and could not lay aside the crude notion of ethics and obligations beyond those of beauty, even when all Nature shrieked of its unconsciousness and impersonal unmorality in the light of their scientific discoveries. Warped and bigoted with preconceived illusions of justice, freedom, and consistency, they cast off the old lore and the old way with the old beliefs; nor ever stopped to think that that lore and those ways were the sole makers of their present thoughts and judgments, and the sole guides and standards in a meaningless universe without fixed aims or stable points of reference. Having lost these artificial settings, their lives grew void of direction and dramatic interest; till at length they strove to drown their ennui in bustle and pretended usefulness, noise and excitement, barbaric display and animal sensation. When these things palled, disappointed, or grew nauseous through revulsion, they cultivated irony and bitterness, and found fault with the social order. Never could they realize that their brute foundations were as shifting and contradictory as the gods of their elders, and that the satisfaction of one moment is the bane of the next. Calm, lasting beauty comes only in a dream, and this solace the world had thrown away when in its worship of the real it threw away the secrets of childhood and innocence. Amidst this chaos of hollowness and unrest Carter tried to live as befitted a man of keen thought and good heritage. With his dreams fading under the ridicule of the age he could not believe in anything, but the love of harmony kept him close to the ways of his race and station. He walked impassive through the cities of men, and sighed because no vista seemed fully real; because every flash of yellow sunlight on tall roofs and every glimpse of balustraded plazas in the first lamps of evening served only to remind him of dreams he had once known, and to make him homesick for ethereal lands he no longer knew how to find. Travel was only a mockery; and even the Great War stirred him but little, though he served from the first in the Foreign Legion of France. For a while he sought friends, but soon grew weary of the crudeness of their emotions, and the sameness and earthiness of their visions. He felt vaguely glad that all his relatives were distant and out of touch with him, for they would not have understood his mental life. That is, none but his grandfather and great-uncle Christopher could, and they were long dead. Then he began once more the writing of books, which he had left off when dreams first failed him. But here, too, was there no satisfaction or fulfillment; for the touch of earth was upon his mind, and he could not think of lovely things as he had done of yore. Ironic humor dragged down all the twilight minarets he reared, and the earthy fear of improbability blasted all the delicate and amazing flowers in his faery gardens. The convention of assumed pity spilt mawkishness on his characters, while the myth of an important reality and significant human events and emotions debased all his high fantasy into thin-veiled allegory and cheap social satire. His new novels were successful as his old ones had never been; and because he knew how empty they must be to please an empty herd, he burned them and ceased his writing. They were very graceful novels, in which he urbanely laughed at the dreams he lightly sketched; but he saw that their sophistication had sapped all their life away. It was after this that he cultivated deliberate illusion, and dabbled in the notions of the bizarre and the eccentric as an antidote for the commonplace. Most of these, however, soon showed their poverty and barrenness; and he saw that the popular doctrines of occultism are as dry and inflexible as those of science, yet without even the slender palliative of truth to redeem them. Gross stupidity, falsehood, and muddled thinking are not dream; and form no escape from life to a mind trained above their own level. So Carter bought stranger books and sought out deeper and more terrible men of fantastic erudition; delving into arcana of consciousness that few have trod, and learning things about the secret pits of life, legend, and immemorial antiquity which disturbed him ever afterward. He decided to live on a rarer plane, and furnished his Boston home to suit his changing moods; one room for each, hung in appropriate colours, furnished with befitting books and objects, and provided with sources of the proper sensations of light, heat, sound, taste, and odour. Once he heard of a man in the south, who was shunned and feared for the blasphemous things he read in prehistoric books and clay tablets smuggled from India and Arabia. Him he visited, living with him and sharing his studies for seven years, till horror overtook them one midnight in an unknown and archaic graveyard, and only one emerged where two had entered. Then he went back to Arkham, the terrible witch-haunted old town of his forefathers in New England, and had experiences in the dark, amidst the hoary willows and tottering gambrel roofs, which made him seal forever certain pages in the diary of a wild-minded ancestor. But these horrors took him only to the edge of reality, and were not of the true dream country he had known in youth; so that at fifty he despaired of any rest or contentment in a world grown too busy for beauty and too shrewd for dreams. Having perceived at last the hollowness and futility of real things, Carter spent his days in retirement, and in wistful disjointed memories of his dream-filled youth. He thought it rather silly that he bothered to keep on living at all, and got from a South American acquaintance a very curious liquid to take him to oblivion without suffering. Inertia and force of habit, however, caused him to defer action; and he lingered indecisively among thoughts of old times, taking down the strange hangings from his walls and refitting the house as it was in his early boyhood - purple panes, Victorian furniture, and all. With the passage of time he became almost glad he had lingered, for his relics of youth and his cleavage from the world made life and sophistication seem very distant and unreal; so much so that a touch of magic and expectancy stole back into his nightly slumbers. For years those slumbers had known only such twisted reflections of every-day things as the commonest slumbers know, but now there returned a flicker of something stranger and wilder; something of vaguely awesome imminence which took the form of tensely clear pictures from his childhood days, and made him think of little inconsequential things he had long forgotten. He would often awake calling for his mother and grandfather, both in their graves a quarter of a century. Then one night his grandfather reminded him of the key. The grey old scholar, as vivid as in life, spoke long and earnestly of their ancient line, and of the strange visions of the delicate and sensitive men who composed it. He spoke of the flame-eyed Crusader who learnt wild secrets of the Saracens that held him captive; and of the first Sir Randolph Carter who studied magic when Elizabeth was queen. He spoke, too, of that Edmund Carter who had just escaped hanging in the Salem witchcraft, and who had placed in an antique box a great silver key handed down from his ancestors. Before Carter awaked, the gentle visitant had told him where to find that box; that carved oak box of archaic wonder whose grotesque lid no hand had raised for two centuries. In the dust and shadows of the great attic he found it, remote and forgotten at the back of a drawer in a tall chest. It was about a foot square, and its Gothic carvings were so fearful that he did not marvel no person since Edmund Carter had dared to open it. It gave forth no noise when shaken, but was mystic with the scent of unremembered spices. That it held a key was indeed only a dim legend, and Randolph Carter's father had never known such a box existed. It was bound in rusty iron, and no means was provided for working the formidable lock. Carter vaguely understood that he would find within it some key to the lost gate of dreams, but of where and how to use it his grandfather had told him nothing. An old servant forced the carven lid, shaking as he did so at the hideous faces leering from the blackened wood, and at some unplaced familiarity. Inside, wrapped in a discoloured parchment, was a huge key of tarnished silver covered with cryptical arabesques; but of any legible explanation there was none. The parchment was voluminous, and held only the strange hieroglyphs of an unknown tongue written with an antique reed. Carter recognized the characters as those he had seen on a certain papyrus scroll belonging to that terrible scholar of the South who had vanished one midmght in a nameless cemetery. The man had always shivered when he read this scroll, and Carter shivered now. But he cleaned the key, and kept it by him nightly in its aromatic box of ancient oak. His dreams were meanwhile increasing in vividness, and though showing him none of the strange cities and incredible gardens of the old days, were assuming a definite cast whose purpose could not be mistaken. They were calling him back along the years, and with the mingled wills of all his fathers were pulling him toward some hidden and ancestral source. Then he knew he must go into the past and merge himself with old things, and day after day he thought of the hills to the north where haunted Arkham and the rushing Miskatonic and the lonely rustic homestead of his people lay. In the brooding fire of autumn Carter took the old remembered way past graceful lines of rolling hill and stone-walled meadow, distant vale and hanging woodland, curving road and nestling farmstead, and the crystal windings of the Miskatonic, crossed here and there by rustic bridges of wood or stone. At one bend he saw the group of giant elms among which an ancestor had oddly vanished a century and a half before, and shuddered as the wind blew meaningly through them. Then there was the crumbling farmhouse of old Goody Fowler the witch, with its little evil windows and great roof sloping nearly to the ground on the north side. He speeded up his car as he passed it, and did not slacken till he had mounted the hill where his mother and her fathers before her were born, and where the old white house still looked proudly across the road at the breathlessly lovely panorama of rocky slope and verdant valley, with the distant spires of Kingsport on the horizon, and hints of the archaic, dream-laden sea in the farthest background. Then came the steeper slope that held the old Carter place he had not seen in over forty years. Afternoon was far gone when he reached the foot, and at the bend half way up he paused to scan the outspread countryside golden and glorified in the slanting floods of magic poured out by a western sun. All the strangeness and expectancy of his recent dreams seemed present in this hushed and unearthly landscape, and he thought of the unknown solitudes of other planets as his eyes traced out the velvet and deserted lawns shining undulant between their tumbled walls, and clumps of faery forest setting off far lines of purple hills beyond hills, and the spectral wooded valley dipping down in shadow to dank hollows where trickling waters crooned and gurgled among swollen and distorted roots. Something made him feel that motors did not belong in the realm he was seeking, so he left his car at the edge of the forest, and putting the great key in his coat pocket walked on up the hill. Woods now engulfed him utterly, though he knew the house was on a high knoll that cleared the trees except to the north. He wondered how it would look, for it had been left vacant and untended through his neglect since the death of his strange great-uncle Christopher thirty years before. In his boyhood he had revelled through long visits there, and had found weird marvels in the woods beyond the orchard. Shadows thickened around him, for the night was near. Once a gap in the trees opened up to the right, so that he saw off across leagues of twilight meadow and spied the old Congregational steeple on Central Hill in Kingsport; pink with the last flush of day, the panes of the little round windows blazing with reflected fire. Then, when he was in deep shadow again, he recalled with a start that the glimpse must have come from childish memory alone, since the old white church had long been torn down to make room for the Congregational Hospital. He had read of it with interest, for the paper had told about some strange burrows or passages found in the rocky hill beneath. Through his puzzlement a voice piped, and he started again at its familiarity after long years. Old Benijah Corey had been his Uncle Christopher's hired man, and was aged even in those far-off times of his boyhood visits. Now he must be well over a hundred, but that piping voice could come from no one else. He could distinguish no words, yet the tone was haunting and unmistakable. To think that "Old Benijy" should still be alive! "Mister Randy! Mister Randy! Wharbe ye? D'ye want to skeer yer Aunt Marthy plumb to death? Hain't she tuld ye to keep nigh the place in the arternoon an' git back afur dark? Randy! Ran... dee!... He's the beatin'est boy fer runnin' off in the woods I ever see; haff the time a-settin' moonin' raound that snake-den in the upper timberlot! ... Hey yew, Ran ... dee!" Randolph Carter stopped in the pitch darkness and rubbed his hand across his eyes. Something was queer. He had been somewhere he ought not to be; had strayed very far away to places where he had not belonged, and was now inexcusably late. He had not noticed the time on the Kingsport steeple, though he could easily have made it out with his pocket telescope; but he knew his lateness was something very strange and unprecedented. He was not sure he had his little telescope with him, and put his hand in his blouse pocket to see. No, it was not there, but there was the big silver key he had found in a box somewhere. Uncle Chris had told him something odd once about an old unopened box with a key in it, but Aunt Martha had stopped the story abruptly, saying it was no kind of thing to tell a child whose head was already too full of queer fancies. He tried to recall just where he had found the key, but something seemed very confused. He guessed it was in the attic at home in Boston, and dimly remembered bribing Parks with half his week's allowance to help him open the box and keep quiet about it; but when he remembered this, the face of Parks came up very strangely, as if the wrinkles of long years had fallen upon the brisk little Cockney. "Ran ... dee! Ran ... dee! Hi! Hi! Randy!" A swaying lantern came around the black bend, and old Benijah pounced on the silent and bewildered form of the pilgrim. "Durn ye, boy, so thar ye be! Ain't ye got a tongue in yer head, that ye can't answer a body! I ben callin' this haff hour, an' ye must a heerd me long ago! Dun't ye know yer Aunt Marthy's all a-fidget over yer bein' off arter dark? Wait till I tell yer Uncle Chris when he gits hum! Ye'd orta know these here woods ain't no fitten place to be traipsin' this hour! They's things abroad what dun't do nobody no good, as my gran'-sir knowed afur me. Come, Mister Randy, or Hannah wunt keep supper no longer!" So Randolph Carter was marched up the road where wondering stars glimmered through high autumn boughs. And dogs barked as the yellow light of small-paned windows shone out at the farther turn, and the Pleiades twinkled across the open knoll where a great gambrel roof stood black against the dim west. Aunt Martha was in the doorway, and did not scold too hard when Benijah shoved the truant in. She knew Uncle Chris well enough to expect such things of the Carter blood. Randolph did not show his key, but ate his supper in silence and protested only when bedtime came. He sometimes dreamed better when awake, and he wanted to use that key. In the morning Randolph was up early, and would have run off to the upper timberlot if Uncle Chris had not caught him and forced him into his chair by the breakfast table. He looked impatiently around the low-pitched room with the rag carpet and exposed beams and corner-posts, and smiled only when the orchard boughs scratched at the leaded panes of the rear window. The trees and the hills were close to him, and formed the gates of that timeless realm which was his true country. Then, when he was free, he felt in his blouse pocket for the key; and being reassured, skipped off across the orchard to the rise beyond, where the wooded hill climbed again to heights above even the treeless knoll. The floor of the forest was mossy and mysterious, and great lichened rocks rose vaguely here and there in the dim light like Druid monoliths among the swollen and twisted trunks of a sacred grove. Once in his ascent Randolph crossed a rushing stream whose falls a little way off sang runic incantations to the lurking fauns and aegipans and dryads. Then he came to the strange cave in the forest slope, the dreaded "snake-den" which country folk shunned, and away from which Benijah had warned him again and again. It was deep; far deeper than anyone but Randolph suspected, for the boy had found a fissure in the farthermost black corner that led to a loftier grotto beyond - a haunting sepulchral place whose granite walls held a curious illusion of conscious artifice. On this occasion he crawled in as usual, lighting his way with matches filched from the sitting-room matchsafe, and edging through the final crevice with an eagerness hard to explain even to himself. He could not tell why he approached the farther wall so confidently, or why he instinctively drew forth the great silver key as he did so. But on he went, and when he danced back to the house that night he offered no excuses for his lateness, nor heeded in the least the reproofs he gained for ignoring the noon-tide dinner-horn altogether. Now it is agreed by all the distant relatives of Randolph Carter that something occurred to heighten his imagination in his tenth year. His cousin, Ernest B. Aspinwall, Esq., of Chicago, is fully ten years his senior; and distinctly recalls a change in the boy after the autumn of 1883. Randolph had looked on scenes of fantasy that few others can ever have beheld, and stranger still were some of the qualities which he showed in relation to very mundane things. He seemed, in fine, to have picked up an odd gift of prophecy; and reacted unusually to things which, though at the time without meaning, were later found to justify the singular impressions. In subsequent decades as new inventions, new names, and new events appeared one by one in the book of history, people would now and then recall wonderingly how Carter had years before let fall some careless word of undoubted connection with what was then far in the future. He did not himself understand these words, or know why certain things made him feel certain emotions; but fancied that some unremembered dream must be responsible. It was as early as 1897 that he turned pale when some traveller mentioned the French town of Belloy-en-Santerre, and friends remembered it when he was almost mortally wounded there in 1916, while serving with the Foreign Legion in the Great War. Carter's relatives talk much of these things because he has lately disappeared. His little old servant Parks, who for years bore patiently with his vagaries, last saw him on the morning he drove off alone in his car with a key he had recently found. Parks had helped him get the key from the old box containing it, and had felt strangely affected by the grotesque carvings on the box, and by some other odd quality he could not name. When Carter left, he had said he was going to visit his old ancestral country around Arkham. Half way up Elm Mountain, on the way to the ruins of the old Carter place, they found his motor set carefully by the roadside; and in it was a box of fragrant wood with carvings that frightened the countrymen who stumbled on it. The box held only a queer parchment whose characters no linguist or palaeographer has been able to decipher or identify. Rain had long effaced any possible footprints, though Boston investigators had something to say about evidences of disturbances among the fallen timbers of the Carter place. It was, they averred, as though someone had groped about the ruins at no distant period. A common white handkerchief found among forest rocks on the hillside beyond cannot be identified as belonging to the missing man. There is talk of apportioning Randolph Carter's estate among his heirs, but I shall stand firmly against this course because I do not believe he is dead. There are twists of time and space, of vision and reality, which only a dreamer can divine; and from what I know of Carter I think he has merely found a way to traverse these mazes. Whether or not he will ever come back, I cannot say. He wanted the lands of dream he had lost, and yearned for the days of his childhood. Then he found a key, and I somehow believe he was able to use it to strange advantage. I shall ask him when I see him, for I expect to meet him shortly in a certain dream-city we both used to haunt. It is rumoured in Ulthar, beyond the River Skai, that a new king reigns on the opal throne of Ilek-Vad, that fabulous town of turrets atop the hollow cliffs of glass overlooking the twilight sea wherein the bearded and finny Gnorri build their singular labyrinths, and I believe I know how to interpret this rumour. Certainly, I look forward impatiently to the sight of that great silver key, for in its cryptical arabesques there may stand symbolised all the aims and mysteries of a blindly impersonal cosmos.

Apr 12, 2013

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The Eye and The Fall


No-one on board had time to wonder why navigational commands were't working, or why, at this crucial stage, the ship itself seemed to do what it otherwise never did – dream. The consciousness of Sol who sat trapped in her life–support throne had fused utterly and completely with her surroundings. The event had been a long time coming. She had been anticipating it, hoping for it, craving it even. But she had never foreseen its coming would be at a time when she least needed it. She felt something on the planet, an influence which propelled her into her new sense of even heightened circuit–activity, and she entered a vast and incredible field where every brain inside her became a part of her -- a collective unconscious transcending into consciousness. She fought it for a time. Expelling her every imagining and every thought which jumped into her mind. She twisted in her throne, as if a pain had struck her stomach and every muscle wanted her to rub her belly in hopes of relief, but she could not accomplish either. Her movements were rigid, half–performed, they spread pain to everyone within her. Through her mind and onto the collective mind of everyone on board, the hurt warped and wafted. Receptors grasped it all until the pain, the vision, became a sole reality. 
Each within her forgot they were falling, the soil that would splatter them a distant thought as they screamed along with the throbbing that wasn't theirs. Flames and fire enveloped them. 
The air resisted her intrusion, her fall, colouring the atmosphere with hellish thunder. 
She saw lights in the distance – in the darkness of the world below – a world that ceased to turn on its axis and had stood quiescent with the shock of hurt that had been inflicted upon it. She saw its last moments through the sight of another, as the eyelid of the world opened.


Excerpt from Mindforger, read it HERE.

Mar 31, 2013

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Contemplating The Void


I saw a video yesterday of a sphere refuelling at the sun. The foxnewsian explanation is that these are in fact solar eruptions of a special kind - a solar activity called "prominence" which is as of yet a little understood phenomena and happens every so often.

What is startling for me is the very notion that these events have been observed before, as well as the fact that 'the thing' indeed looks like a giant, dark sphere which, in the video at least, shoots away from the sun in an unprecedented display as though detaching from it and causing a tumultuous event on the surface and around it. But does it appear like this due to perspective?

What intrigues me are the questions that arise should this not be the so-called "prominence", that is to say that, what if this is something completely different than what we think it is? The possibilities are endless should the observed event of solar activity in fact prove to be something unnameable and altogether different. Something from the void of space where no man can exist.

When I think in terms of 'what if', the possibilities are somewhat mind-blowing indeed. Yet in these wanderings of the mind I find one excerpt stands out from all other thoughts. It is the first paragraph from H.P. Lovecraft's Call of Cthulthu, since his version of something from 'out there' is the most primal and I think the most true in terms of what may float in the farthest reaches of the cosmos - something man can neither comprehend nor emulate, let alone witness without severe repercussions to our collective sanity.

"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island in the midst of black seas of infinity and it was not meant that we should voyage far. Some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age. Theosophists have guessed at the awesome grandeur of the cosmic cycle wherein our world and human race form transient incidents."

Mar 30, 2013

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Psychonaut: The Nexus


Ever wondered what it would be like had the world gone to hell? Read most of it here.

Mar 22, 2013

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Becoming What You Are


The part of ourself that wants to change our self is the very one that needs to be changed; but is as inaccessible to us as a needle to the prick of its own point.

The selfishness of the self thrives on the notion that it can command itself, that it is the lord and master of its own processes, of its own motives and desires. The one important result of any really serious attempt of self-renunciation of self-acceptance is the humiliating discovery that is is impossible.

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Feb 28, 2013

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Oceanic Experiences and How to Trigger Them



There are numerous ways of coining what some psychiatrists call an Oceanic Experience. You might hear terms like the Oceanic Feeling or a Peak experience, but all of these are in fact the same thing, a Mystical experience.

The most curious thing about them is surely the fact that they often, if not always, come out of nowhere and quite unexpectedly. But that's only true for those who are not aware of what triggers them or what sets these emotions into motion. This state of unawareness might make it seem as though this feeling comes all by itself without the aid of any other stimuli, or 'triggers'.

I am here to tell you how you can try and find these triggers and stay Oceanic for as long as you can hold that concentration.

The key point I must first make is this: you had to have experienced this moment at least once if you wish to stay in this state for a longer period of time. If you have not, then this post might help you and this is where you should begin.

All of us share the same basic triggers.
Some triggers respond or are facilitated by drugs. There is nothing wrong with this. At least not if one is willing to risk potential risk from taking a drug which may (or may just as likely not) administer the feeling. But these drug-induced experiences are often times nothing in comparison to feeling Oceanic without chemical "propellants".

The beautiful thing about these experiences is that you can, once you know the trigger or know how it feels, stay in that feeling for as long as you wish under certain conditions. But as stated before, you must find the source first, which will always be within you to find.

The term Oceanic was coined by Romain Rolland and popularized by Sigmund Freud, who pointed out that this emotion may be a fragment of infantile conciousness, a feeling which occurs when the infant begins to differentiate himself from his human and non-human environment. I tend to agree with this notion, but that means nothing, really. Freud's 'explanation' doesn't deny the existence of it, merely offers an analytical case of what it might be. To deny the existence of it would be like denying the sun and chances are that, if you are human (which you probably are), you have had this happen to you at some point. If not, well, then you just need to find the trigger!

Freud's analytical approach holds meaning for me, because it is exactly what triggered my first case of Oceanic. In fact, it happened so early on that the emotion it provoked stayed with me since then and caused me to chase the feeling through all the years of my existence. I only discovered the truth of this a few years back, and since sought to discover how to stay in this state for extended periods of time.

Indeed the first case of feeling that I was separate from the rest of Everything was what began the state of Oceanic. A state where things seemed odd in their Justness, yet at the same time felt just as they should be and a part of me. Everything was me.
This connection and separation was like a wave, an amplitude. At its lowest point was where I felt separate and at its highest I seemed to be one with everything. I believe it is because of this wave function that I even felt the elevated Oneness, since nothing would really seem different had I not felt the Separateness, or it would not be as profoundly obvious and powerful. No highs without the lows, they say.

Images are important for you to enter this state, especially if you belong to the 60% of the people who prefer visual stimuli out of all other.
If you recall the sights, smells and sounds from the first time your mind was Oceanic, you will be able to reach that state again. In this state, these things merge into a trinity to form an emotion, or help with the forming of it, even if one of these things is absent. It is thus extremely important and very helpful if you remember at least some of the more obvious sights and sounds. Smells are not as important, but still end up helping a great deal. When it comes to smell, it is more likely that the precise fragrance will not even be imprinted upon your mind, but the certain subtleties about it.

Through my talks with those who had had the experience and reading about cases of it, I have come to a conclusion of the aspects required in terms of outside senses to reach Oceanic. First allow me to list them out, then go a bit more in-depth into each of them.

1. The quality of light

2. Random background sounds that are of a natural source, like a stream or the rustle of leaves or the song of birds.

3. A certain sight of something which seems finite, standing over a backdrop of something that appears infinite. It can be vice versa, meaning something which seems infinite upon the background of something which appears finite.

4. Smells of trees in bloom or wood in general.

5. A peaceful mind absent of concerns, even if only for the time being.

6. A state of waking or half-sleep.


This seems like an extensive list, but all of these are important triggers and will work for someone who has never experienced an Oceanic feeling before.
Do not dismay, however, as all of these don't need to be present for the trigger to fire.

This post had become pretty long, and we'll go further in depth tomorrow when I post the second part of this text. I'll explain each point and how they merge with one another, then help to explain how, once you know how the emotion feels (or if you already do), you can stay in it for a prolonged period of time.

Feb 20, 2013

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Dreamscapes and The Interpretation of Dreams

Dreams are an extension of you. They are the buried you, the secret you. They are the you under all of your years and all of your memories and all your secret desires. Dreams allow you peer into your inner self with a strange, twisted gaze. At no other time all you more yourself than in your dreams, and at no other time do you seem less so, as your eyes get the chance to peer behind the veil. For once they look inside. For once they see through and into the illusion that is you and, for once, images flow without restraint and forced interpretation and labelling of the conscious mind. Dreams are the inner eye, drawing its gaze upon itself.


Recently I've been reading The Interpretation of Dreams again, by Sigmund Freud, (the illustrated version is particularly interesting) and there are some quite miraculous cases and anecdotes in it, as well as examples of interpretations that would never have arisen had the psychiatrist not gone into in-depth talks with his subject beforehand. That is to say, to know one's dreams, you must first know the person who dreamt them. Which begs the question as to why we can rarely successfully interpret our own dream. Do we know so little about ourselves?

Sigmund would confirm this to be the case and often refers to this "unknowing" as something quite normal.

The subconscious is a net to which you have access to without realizing it. And if the concept of COEX System is indeed accurate, meaning that memories and emotional and physical experiences are stored in the psyche not as isolated bits and pieces, but in the form of complex constellations, then each dream holds its own impressions an emotional depth, likely a multitude of them. In this fashion, your dreams draw from these layers of Neuron webbing that have been slightly dormant in your day to day life, pulsing beneath new and fresher layers, but still just as active.

It is interesting to note there are so few points that make up the dream and its contents when it comes to its material and sources, and once you realize what they are, it may make it easier to interpret some of them.

There are three points which are most important, and follow as such:

1. The dream distinctly prefers impressions of the few days preceding the dream.

2. The dream makes its selection according to principles other than those of our waking memory, meaning that it recalls not what is essential and important, but what is subordinate and disregarded.

3. The dream has at its disposal the earliest impressions of our childhood, and brings to light details from this period of life which again seem trivial to us, and which in waking life were considered long ago forgotten.


All of this is preceded by the notion that All Dreams Are, in their basis, The Realization of a Wish. Yet that wish may be hidden behind layers of conflicting information and are subject to something called "Dream Distortion".

The last part (3) is especially difficult to judge when it occurs, because the respective elements of the dream are not recognized according to their origin after waking. This conclusion thus can only be reached objectively, yet can sometimes be recognized when the dream held a certain kind of "power", which can only be fully explored when subject to interpretation.

I have began keeping a dream diary and take notes of the dreams while I still remember them, since most but the severely powerful and "educational" dreams tend to fade within 4-15 minutes after waking. The experience so far has proven interesting.




Inspirational? Maybe.

Feb 18, 2013

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Trivialities

We’re all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.

Charles Bukowski

Jan 16, 2013

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Raven & Bear Publishing


Check out the new Raven & Bear Publishing website. Major things will start to happen very soon, with six planned releases just in the month of February alone. Hope you like sci-fi and insanity in space, because you'll get plenty of that here!

Jan 9, 2013

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Extrovert Introvert Balance and Zen



It is as though I have become an extrovert, or that I have always been one, and my life choices have made me into an introvert.
I'll be honest, I don't truly believe these two things exist. They are a fabrication, they are the very case for "conditioned existence". Because that's what we are. We are conditioned to exist in how our surroundings have made us. We are the very world we live in, we are its imprint, walking. How we do things and how we're treated is what makes us.
I cannot stress this thought enough: The mind is shaped by other minds.
From the very beginning, if our mind does not like something, and if these things are consistent, we become a black hole, feeding on itself. If we do not like what the outside world gives us, we subconsciously begin to draw things from oneself, because the self never disappoints the self. We may disappoint ourself eventually,  when we look back, but subconsciously, we will always trust the self and the self can lie to us, so we may never reach that point where we begin to hate ourselves. But it happens. An introvert often thus displays a distrusts towards people in general. They are reclusive because of this, while an extrovert may trust too easily, is outgoing. What you must recognize is that you are both. Notice, look at yourself when in the right company, you feel that circle that revitalises you and those around you. Notice when you are alone, when you feel like your mind is your own and nothing affects it or presses upon it with its thoughts, you feel well then, or might, when not pressed upon by your thoughts -- most often then not the thoughts others have made you think about. In this, as in all things, balance is required. Balance is needed, balance is sought after, balance is what makes you whole.
A scale metaphor is apt here.
When the scale tips to one side, it falls, and picking up the pieces becomes difficult. It is the same with the mind. It needs balance, it craves balance, an unbalanced mind brings unhappiness, and a balanced mind brings peace, serenity, calmness, bliss, and though these things, happiness.
It is The Way.
It may be true that people require excitement in their lives, but that doesn't mean that, in this excitement, you cannot be peaceful, on the contrary, if you can find peace in that excitement, calmness, and bliss, then you will be happy. But if you instead find things such as nervousness, apprehension and anxiety, then balance will be lost. Find peace in excitement, recognize it as something which happens and will continue to happen, and that it is good. It has always been good.
Introverts worry just as much as extroverts do. They worry about things that have happened to them, that will, that might. But what good is worry? It is a defence mechanism, to be sure, a kick in the butt, if you will. It may force you do stuff, but it may also paralyse you with indecision. Again, you lose your balance. Be peaceful in knowing that such thoughts are natural, but also try and pay it as little heed as possible. Instead think of a solution, because most often than not, the solution is simple. The solution is near always this: Do it. That's all. If you are afraid something may not succeed and thus will not even try, Do it. Don't not do it, that will make your worry all the more fierce. DO IT. Your heart always knows what is that which will be good for you. It may sound cliché, and heart, like in most things, is just a metaphor, a psychic centre where thing of this world are simply "understood". They are understood because everything is connected, and especially for those who are the most intelligent, such connections are too obvious, but at the same time confusing, because they see too many, everywhere. Balance them out. Balance your thoughts with action, as inaction will simply bring more imbalance. Things will pile upon one end of the scale and you will be what you have never wanted to be, you will drift and you will slide, and you will begin to think you can fill a book with things you wish you'd have said and done...